Getting Fat at the Golden Corral

If you’ve never been to the Golden Corral, you’re missing out on a true symbol of American hospitality. Where else can you find row upon row of hot, steamy, fried, greasy, starchy comfort foods all waiting to be devoured in limitless quantities?

Nowhere else can you pay one flat charge and linger all day, awaiting the switch from breakfast to lunch to dinner, getting up only when the heaping mound of lard on your plate has disappeared. Nowhere else can you forget about your leafy greens and focus more on burgers, fries, meatloaf and of course–a Golden Corral favorite–banana pudding!

So when I heard that a new Golden Coral buffet (or more accurately, a human feed trough) was opening up just a few miles away, I couldn’t wait to see what they had in store for our very picky American appetites. Let me assure you, the folks at the corporate kitchen for this delectable food emporium definitely cater to our sensitive American diet. Every item is based around one, two or all three of the staples: fat, sugar and salt.

If you thought a trip to Five Guys Burgers and Fries was bad for your health, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Golden Corral may very well be the best example of why our nation is so obese. Yes, while there is a salad bar at this place, it is not the main attraction nor the reason most people dine here in the first place. Just look at the plates of the patrons and you’ll see what I mean; fried chicken here and a cinnamon bun there.

Bu hey, I’m not hating on GC for “making” people fat. At the end of the day it is our decision whether we put this unhealthy garbage into our mouth or not. The same philosophy that is at work with drugs, alcohol and tobacco is at work here. We must make the right decisions, no matter how many temptations are thrown our way.

For the owners and operators of Golden Corral, I tip my hat to their mastery of American capitalism. You guys are restaurant extraordinaires. Wait, scratch that; on second thought, I would argue that Golden Corral execs don’t even think of themselves as being in the restaurant business. No, you see they’re in the gambling business. They are basically betting that you cannot eat more than the ten bucks or so they charge per customer. If you do eat more than that (although I’m sure its near impossible to measure), then you can honestly say you’ve beaten the house at their own game, but just think of the consequences of eating all that fried chicken.

Oh, and just in case you’ve never heard of or been to a Golden Corral establishment, here’s a YouTube video I found that does a pretty good job of showing the entire lineup of offerings. I think I see a leafy green in there somewhere.